Friday, December 27, 2013

My Anxiety Story

Before I could drive on my own, my grandmother used to be my main source of transportation. That's pretty whatever though, it gave me all the time in the world to stare out of the window and think about life, or just listen to music. Everything was fine and dandy until an interesting topic came up on the radio or I said something that interested my grandmother. I say this because my grandmother is a nice woman but she has one trait that irks me, she's a talker. Now it's very common for those who are older to share their stories of the good old days and blah blah blah, but for me it created an explosive action. I don't remember what I said, but one day while being driven to school the topic of dating came up that sent my grandma on a thirty minute rant (my school is pretty far and she drives a little slow) about how her sister sole her boyfriend. Now the whole thing is actually pretty interesting, I mean she called her own sister a whore, but for some reason it bothered me. Every minute that passed by caused my chest to tighten up and my mind began to scream "she needs to shut up please shut her up! I need to get out of this car" and I couldn't say anything because she was just sharing a story, she didn't mean any harm.
After that I kinda just assumed that I was annoyed by her and maybe people in general, maybe I was just a bitch, but then it started to happen more often. Being in class with talkative girls when all I wanted to do was work became unbearable. The only thing that seemed to help was listening to music with headphones, shutting everything out, but that's not really something teachers allow. It wasn't until I began therapy for unrelated depression that everything started to make sense. Now normally when you think of depression you imagine the person who has it as a sad, and well depressed person... but I was a little different, and I'll save this topic for another day but in order for the pieces to fully come together I need to explain myself. I don't know if this makes sense, but my depression showed through anger, never sadness. I was an angry person and there was an actual reason. Now back to my anxiety, being the angry person I was, so was my anxiety. I would get so frustrated that my anger would cause me to break down and cry.

But how did I deal with it?
Drugs honestly, not the illegal kind, no no, but the prescribed ones. But in the times where my anxiety still manages to shine through I simply breathe. My therapist told me of this thing where my brain needs to synapse in order to calm down, something I can create through taping my foot, my thumbs, anything and counting slowly to ten with each tap. At first it seemed/felt ridiculous, until I applied it. While waiting for my drivers permit in a crowded office for what seems like hours I got anxious, I began to tap and count, and I was calm again.

Anxiety is not your fault, so don't let it control you. It is a limitation that you can break through

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